LONELY BUT CAN’T AFFORD COMMUNITY: The hidden challenges and costs of making lasting friendships
Anyone that has felt lonely in the past most certainly wants to tell a different story this year. Believe it or not, there are a shocking number of people that fall into this category across all demographics. So much so that the previous Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Vivek Murthy, considers loneliness to be an epidemic and says so in a 82-page advisory to the nation. Even the World Health Organization recently established a Commission on Social Connection and considers loneliness to be a global public health concern.
Unfortunately though, those who feel lonely are very likely to be experiencing a chronic state of loneliness that has lasted for quite some time and breaking the spell of loneliness is not as simple as we think it would be. Dr. Murthy’s advisory has sparked a greater conversation. From what I’ve listened to and read thus far (see list below), there are some common themes that explain the rise in loneliness along with some common sense solutions that typically involve the lonely person taking initiative in some way.
What is causing our epidemic of loneliness and how can we fix it? Harvard Graduate School of Education, 2024.
Why is the loneliness epidemic so hard to cure? The New York Times Magazine, 2024.
The loneliness epidemic: escape post-pandemic social isolation. University of Cincinnati Health, 2024.
Loneliness in America: just the tip of the iceberg? Make Caring Common Project, Harvard Graduate School of Education, 2024.
Loneliness is at epidemic levels and it is killing Americans. USA Today, 2023.
Work and the loneliness epidemic. Harvard Business Review, 2017.
Addressing the loneliness epidemic. American Counseling Association, 2023.
Project Unlonely. The Foundation for Art and Healing.
Three essential ingredients for a happy life. Offline with Jon Favreau, 2024.
Do you sometimes feel lonely? The Oprah Podcast, 2024.
Why people are increasingly choosing to spend time away from others. CBS Mornings, 2024.
Lonely Flowers. Roy Wood Jr., 2025.
However, there are a few key dynamics that are rather obvious to me but overlooked or barely mentioned in the above list. Perhaps these dynamics are obvious to me because I have grappled with varying degrees of loneliness throughout my adult life. These dynamics often paralyze those feeling lonely and prevent them from taking the initiative typically prescribed. I call these dynamics the peer identity dynamic, mutuality dynamic, and the affordability dynamic. In my humble opinion, if these three dynamics are not adequately addressed, then this epidemic of loneliness will continue to worsen. I’d also like to take this opportunity to address a level of hostility towards newcomers as I have noticed that some individuals are protective of their circles and do not welcome new friends to their friend groups.
Before digging into each dynamic and some remedies, it’s important to note that the rise of loneliness isn’t merely an outcome of the COVID-19 pandemic. The pandemic accelerated and exacerbated it. But the trend was noticed and studied well before. Dr. Murthy began writing about it years before resuming his role as Surgeon General during the Biden administration and Project Unlonely began in 2016 becoming a signature program of The Foundation for Art and Healing. While the trend began long before, I do believe the pandemic gave us permission to talk more openly about feeling isolated and lonely.
The Peer Identity Dynamic
For the most part we are friends with our peers. Demographically we tend to fall into the same categories. What makes us peers is a common identity. But what happens when we are no longer peers? What happens when we lose the common identity that binds us? What makes this dynamic so destabilizing is we may not realize our connection really hinges on one factor until that point of connection begins to weaken. Friendships that survive this identity shift survive because each friend is intentional about maintaining their connection. Whereas disconnection occurs because their common identity has been overridden by what’s uncommon or unrelatable.
Change in marital status is a prime example of this dynamic. The disconnection that occurs looks like less time spent together, the single friend feeling like a third wheel, the new couple befriending other couples, etc. I remember being triggered by a post in a Facebook group that I belong to. A young woman newly married said that she was beginning to look for couple friends and that she “low-key” wished that her single friends would “hurry up” and find someone so that all of them could experience married life together. Though I don’t remember exactly what I wrote in my response, I remember questioning why it was so important to her that they “hurry up?” Her identity was shifting and it was disheartening for her to imply that her friendships could only remain intact if her friends could relate to married life alongside her.
Now it’s not automatic that single people become lonely when their friends get married. But should loneliness set in, this example illustrates that it would not be surprising if its onset was traced back to when their shared identity was no longer shared.
The Mutuality Dynamic
Have you ever been surprised to be introduced as someone’s best friend when the feeling isn’t mutual? I was unpleasantly surprised when a college friend referred to me as her best friend, nearly 15 years after graduating, even though we rarely talked and most of those rare conversations ended as arguments. We didn’t live in the same city and had no idea what each of our day-to-day lives were like. Yes we still had a connection, but that connection had weakened and remained weak for quite some time. It was quite eye-opening to me that the understanding of our friendship wasn’t mutual.
Essentially the mutuality dynamic speaks to everyone not being invested in the relationship at the same level. The one who expects more than is received is a prime candidate for loneliness. Even though I gave the example of me not considering my college friend to be my best friend, I have been on the brunt end of the mutuality dynamic more times than I’ve cared to.
Once upon a time I had a personal social director. When I moved to Chicago, my goal was to cultivate new friendships and I found this Meetup Group with a paid membership of $10/month. The coordinator of the group called herself our social director. And she did a good job! She would have the calendar chock full of events at all price points. She kept up with all that was going on from major events to smaller gatherings at obscure holes in the walls of the city. She planned cruises, secured group discounts and touted a membership of over 1,500 single professionals.
Needless to say, I thought I hit the mother lode of budding friendships. To my dismay, however, it seemed as if all that was budding were transactional encounters. It turned out that folks were not really interested in developing friendships. Essentially we were escorts for one another. No one walked into an event alone. No one sat alone. And that seemed to be sufficient. Well that superficial salve did nothing for any loneliness I felt. If anything, these transactional encounters made me feel loneliness more acutely. Not surprisingly my membership in the group was short-lived.
Unrequited love is another example of the mutuality dynamic at play. From all that I’ve heard, read and personally experienced some of the most intense responses related to this dynamic include:
I always call them but they never call me.
They didn’t think to invite me.
They forgot about me but I always make sure to include them.
I invited them but they didn’t show up.
I feel like no one really knows me.
I don’t feel like anyone’s priority.
Parasocial might be a good way to describe these types of relationships. The emotional investment is completely one-sided. I also consider online social interactions to be parasocial as well, in that they keep us busy but they do not keep us connected. There seems to be an assumption that online interactions are an adequate substitute for in-person interaction and fellowship. These are social transactions/encounters but not social relationships. These social transactions could evolve into meaningful friendships if folks agree to meetup and spend time together in real life offline. But how often does that happen? Given that loneliness is now at epidemic levels, my guess is that it certainly doesn’t happen often enough.
Affordability Dynamic
The one culprit that I kept an eye out for while reading and kept my ears peeled for while listening was the idea that a lot of people are too broke to create new and/or maintain existing friendships. Only two articles on my list even mentioned income levels (Vox and the ACA). It looks like both cited the same Gallup survey that stated that those on the lower income side of things were more lonely that those with more money. But neither probed further as to why this was the case.
Since the reason is rather obvious to me, I’d like to offer my two cents.
When we are no longer physically in each other’s daily lives, we essentially have to pay to make friends. If we no longer live in the same household, neighborhood, city, dorm with the people we are close to; if our proximity becomes greater than a comfortable driving day-trip, then making new connections becomes a function of what we are able to afford. Think about it. Everything we are advised to do that would help us seamlessly meet new people and make new friends requires a paid membership of some kind. Gyms, fraternities, sororities, social clubs, recreational clubs, online leagues, etc. Even establishing a meaningful church connection requires a financial commitment. If you have little to no disposable income, then the chances of making new connections become bleak.
Even maintaining existing connections can be impacted by limited funds. Many invitations are declined because of an inability to afford the appropriate attire, the salon visit, the cost of gas, the round-trip Uber to go across town, the flight home for family functions, the reunion cruise, the concert ticket, the happy hour, the extra groceries to make the dish to bring to the potluck and so on. Shame and embarrassment come along with not being able to afford what seems to be the smallest of expenses. It is simply easier to decline an invitation and suffer loneliness instead.
It’s so ironic because our best friends are the ones we ultimately spend time with for free. The ones that just come over to chop it up and chill. But those friendships rarely start out as free. There was a financial investment of some kind that facilitated those friendships. No adult friendship begins by merely hanging out at each other’s homes unless they happen to live in the same neighborhood. Otherwise there is a serious investment of quality time and money made before the rapport is established to welcome new people across the threshold of our homes.
Again, this dynamic is obvious to me because I’ve lived it and know others that find themselves disappointed with sticker shock when it comes to things they would like to do but can’t afford. When people talk about how hard it is to make friends as adults, I would argue that this dynamic is probably at play to some degree. If anyone can afford not to be alone, that person is not likely battling loneliness or that bout with loneliness is short-lived. Most people take advantage of the solutions that are accessible to them. In my view, if friendship feels inaccessible, it’s likely because it’s unaffordable.
NO NEW FRIENDS!!
I used to ask God if I wasn’t really going to make new friends why did my life route me away from the family and friends I already had? I know more people but I wouldn’t say that I’ve made many more friends, since the early 2000s. These people undoubtedly wish me well and would likely be saddened should something happen to me. Oddly enough, it would likely be hearing bad news about me that they would’ve even thought about me. Not because of a frayed relationship but because our connection just isn’t that strong.
For quite some time that was hard pill for me to swallow. It was especially hard because I realized just how much people closed themselves off to developing new friendships. At the time I noticed this, I was living and working in a pure college town. Most of my peers were career and education focused, working on advanced degrees. Our time in this town at that is particular university was primarily viewed as a pit stop, as such my peers operated with a non-committal, transient energy. I understood it and to a certain extent I leaned into it myself. But I certainly thought that I would have accumulated several friendships that would extend beyond LinkedIn career status updates.
After I moved on from this place, I thought my friendship prospects would become more diversified with people at various life stages but not necessarily seeking to relocate. I did meet people that fit this criteria but I didn’t realize how protective people were of their circles. While this was never said directly to me, I have heard people say they didn’t want any new friends and how they didn’t like for their friends to bring new people around. Women in that same Facebook group that I mentioned earlier often talked about (sometimes with tongue in cheek; sometimes not) how we shouldn’t tell anyone new about the group and how it should remain exclusively ours.
Because I consider this Facebook group to be parasocial for me, I pretty much ignore statements like this. At the same time, I know this is how many people feel and behave in real life. There is serious resistance to newcomers. They either feel like they don’t have the capacity to cultivate a new relationship or they are territorial and become jealous easily. Make no mistake about it, newcomers feel this energy and will retreat into loneliness if they have no other friends to turn to.
5 POSSIBLE REMEDIES FOR LONELINESS
1. Collectively we need learn how to be better friends. When I was in graduate school learning various counseling skills and techniques, I remember thinking there wouldn’t be such a high demand for therapy if we were better friends to each other, if we listened and showed that we care. Our culture here in the United States feeds selfishness. We are high-strung and spread thin. Constantly on the go, but often going nowhere, at least not anywhere truly rewarding.
As easy as it is nowadays for us to communicate and connect with everyone we know around the world, simply sending a text saying, “Hey there! I’ve been thinking about you!” seems like the hardest thing to remember to do. Yet we must be intentional about remembering. Relatability and connection are functions of our intention. When all said and done, at the end of our lives, our relationships and the impact we’ve had on people are all that matter to us. The rat-race we keep ourselves in often sums up the regrets we have on our deathbeds.
2. SQUEAK!! They say the squeaky wheel gets the oil. Many times we have to speak up for what we need. As much as we want people to be in tune with us and notice when we are having a hard time, it’s just not fair to expect that from anyone. Even married people can’t expect their spouses to be mind-readers. It may be uncomfortable but you are going to be uncomfortable either way. So pick your pain—the pain of loneliness or the pain of reaching out for help.
I remember going through a stressful time at work. And I knew that the only way for me to feel less stress was to have someone at home to share the load. Of course I lived alone. So that posed a problem. My family and nearby friends had their own obligations. But it turned out one of my good friends was on sabbatical. So I called and asked her if she could stay with me for a few days. She said yes, booked a flight and I survived that period with less stress. The scripture, “you have not because you ask not” holds true. Shrinking back and becoming invisible does not serve you
Being invisible does not ensure safety. Visibility is viability. ~ Dr. Farah Abbasi
3. Change your perspective. Focus on what you have not what you lack. We tend to focus on deficits instead of our assets. Unless you have zero living contacts in your phone and social media connections that you’ve never met in person before, then it’s not likely that there is absolutely no one that you can have a pleasant conversation with. Yes the ache that we feel can be intense, but it should not overshadow legitimate connections that we do have. It may require taking initiative to reestablish a connection, but it is worth it.
4. Don’t withhold your love and kindness. It is very easy to recoil and feel justified in distancing yourself from people that do not reciprocate the energy you give. And in some cases, distancing yourself may be necessary. However, purposely isolating yourself doesn’t help your case. It may feed your ego, but it doesn’t lessen the ache. Being supportive and showing up for others, not only is an example of being the change that we seek, it nourishes the soul. Not only do we have a need to receive love, but we have a need to give it. A game-changing lesson I learned along these lines is that there is no shame in love. So even if my energy is not reciprocated, I need not hesitate or feel shame about caring from a pure heart.
5. Immerse yourself in your purpose. Purpose and intention inherently brings about connection. Purpose reminds us that we, as Beyonce says, are a part of something way bigger. Each of us has something significant to give this world. By immersing ourselves into our life purpose, it becomes easier to connect with like minded people. We are more fulfilled and have something to look forward to. Even though we may still experience moments of loneliness, those moments become short-lived. Purpose transcends pain, including the pain of loneliness.
Finding purpose anew for me has stifled loneliness in a way that I could not have imagined. And I am forever thankful. Now some of you may not be clear on your individual life purpose and may even find yourself frustrated when purpose is brought up as a panacea. While I can’t call it an absolute panacea, it is pretty close to one. It unlocks so much and eases so much frustration.
If you are not clear on your purpose, I invite you to read my 2-part series on discovering your SPECIFIC life purpose. It’s not vague advice filled with cliches and platitudes. I take the mystery out of it the process and provide a framework for you to clearly determine your purpose. Because being lonely certainly ain’t it.
Onward to eradicating loneliness and Harmonious Balance, my friends!
Johanna
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Enjoyable and insightful.