Relatability, templates, precedent, examples, representation, comfortability…
How our OUT OF BALANCE DISCOMFORT with the UNFAMILIAR hinders progress
If you know me or read my bio, then you know that I hold an engineering degree. I chose to major in engineering because mathematics was one of my strong suits. For years, I have tutored math and the most common struggle I encountered was when the problem did not look like any of the example problems. What I observed was not so much a challenge with solving the problem as much as it was how quickly paralysis set it upon realizing that the problem didn’t look like the example.
Now I don’t belittle how challenging math can be. When you look at the Theory of Multiple Intelligences, of which mathematics is one of them, everyone does not have high mathematical intelligence. I happen to be higher in mathematical intelligence but I’m not high in all nine of the intelligences. I’m super low in naturalist intelligence, things related to nature. However, I never considered myself incapable of learning about nature. Since there is no compelling reason at this stage of my life to learn it, I’m not inclined to do so. Make no mistake about it though, if I had to learn it, I would. But this article isn’t about math or the Theory of Multiple Intelligences.
This article is about how we shut down when there is no example set before us; how we become cold-hearted and lack empathy when we can’t relate to someone else’s experience; how we attack someone’s credibility if they seem unrelatable; how we become uncomfortable if we walk into a room and no one in the room looks like us; how we are at a loss if the template doesn’t encompass everything; how we gaslight others making them think something is wrong with them because WE FEEL intimidated; how we act like we are all thumbs because of WHO has been indicted on 91 felony counts even though there is plenty of precedent for the felonies themselves.
This article is also about the dissonance we are often plagued with. In that when we realize the relatable isn’t working, instead of taking a chance with the seemingly unrelatable, we simply choose the next relatable option. For example, NFL team owners hiring a head coach based on relatability while overlooking the actual qualifications of the seemingly unrelatable candidates. We also think that the responsibility to be relatable or make us feel comfortable falls to others. It’s very interesting that we are so self-centered that we can’t possibly inconvenience ourselves by leaning in or digging deeper to find a connection
We often attribute being uncomfortable to the others being intimidating. Let’s take a look at the actual definition of the word. According to dictionary.com, intimidate means to
(1) to make feel timid; fill with fear. (2) to overawe by superior display of wealth, talent, etc.,
It doesn’t occur to us that intimidation can be self-imposed. We feel intimidated because of our own insecurities. Our insecurities generate intimidating thoughts when the other person is not doing anything to make us feel timid or trying to “overawe” us.
Listen to or watch this video clip of a recent interview of CBS news anchor, Gayle King on the Pivot Podcast discussing how she can be perceived as intimidating on the dating scene because of her accomplishments and connections.
As I watched this portion of the overall interview, I almost accepted Ryan’s perspective. But then I began to wonder why is it so lofty to imagine going to the White House? The issue isn’t with Gayle. It’s with limited perspective, narrow horizons, an inability to see outside the template, a lofty and out sized view of her humanity that makes some men, in this case, see themselves as unworthy, unrelatable, and small. Worst of all, though they will never admit it, they see themselves as boxed in, constrained, restricted, and not viable i.e., incapable of growth. But somehow Gayle is supposed to fix how THEY perceive themselves. But that’s a topic for another day.
Not viable…incapable of growth. Let those words sink in. Incapable of growth in the moment; incapable of stretching for the opportunity; incapable of learning something new; incapable of peeling back the layers to uncover that things are not as lofty, complicated, intimidating, and unrelatable as they seem. We decide in a split-second that something is invariably unattainable, unsolvable, unrelatable, unprecedented, uncomfortable and we let paralysis set in. All the while wondering why we can’t get unstuck or why it seems we are going backwards.
Please don’t get me wrong. I understand feelings of inadequacy and discomfort but I do my best not to obey those feelings. Very few scenarios fall in the category of uncharted territory. Scripture tells us in Ecclesiastes 1:9 that there is nothing new under the sun. When it comes to legal matters, I’ve concluded that if something is truly unprecedented all that means is it’s time to set one. There’s a first time for everything as we say.
Let’s go back to the math metaphor that I started with. To combat the paralysis as the tutor, I begin showing my students how to break down the unfamiliar with what is familiar, specifically the questions to ask to get at what is mathematically true about the problem. Then we begin to apply those truths to the problem one-by-one until the problem becomes more recognizable.
In our lives more broadly as we apply what is true, what is unfamiliar becomes more familiar; what is uncomfortable becomes comfortable; what was once intimidating we now see as an opportunity for growth. As we apply what is true, we begin to realize that we don’t have to be boxed into a template, that we can handle complexity. As we apply what is true, we begin to realize that by building on precedent we can take on what seems unprecedented to us. As we apply what is true, we no longer require familiarity and relatability to be the basis for forward movement. As we apply what is true, we often realize that what initially seems unrelatable, uncomfortable and unprecedented is what will lead us to heights never imagined.
Onward to Harmonious Balance,
Johanna
**For customized content requests,1:1 coaching and speaking inquiries, feel free to contact me.**