Shannon Sharpe by way of his Club Shay Shay podcast might just break the internet again with his latest interview with actress and comedienne, Mo’Nique. His interview with Katt Williams at the turn of the year went viral and as soon as the promo photos of his interview with Mo’Nique surfaced, folks were commenting about how they were on the edge of their seats waiting for this interview, as Mo’Nique has had her share of public feuds.
After the interview with Katt Williams, I shared that I wasn’t a fan of public feuding. My opinion has not changed. I will say, for the record, that I truly hope that the Club Shay Shay podcast does not become a dumping ground for people seeking to air their grievances under the guise of telling their stories. As I shared in a recent essay, there is a difference between airing our grievances and settling our grievances.
The path to settling our grievances goes through forgiveness at some level. Before I get too far gone into talking about forgiveness, I will say that settling our grievances may not look like reconciliation or absolution. The forgiveness that’s often needed is one that settles our hearts and minds on the offensive matter. There are several definitions of forgiveness and faith based expectations for forgiveness that it’s very easy to be confused about what it is and even more confusing on how to arrive at forgiveness.
Let’s start with some definitions for the word forgive.
to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
to grant pardon to (a person).
to cease to feel resentment against:to forgive one's enemies.
to cancel an indebtedness or liability of:to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
For many of us, the first definition is often what comes to mind when we think of forgiveness. I think that many of us are willing to wipe the slate clean if our offenders take accountability and show remorse. And after that point is when #4 can be accomplished. I’ve also observed conversations where someone has said they have forgiven someone in terms of #4 but those listening think #1 and they are left questioning how #1 is even possible The truth is #1 is not always possible nor do I believe that #1 is a requirement to be in good standing with our faith.
For those of the Christian faith, Jesus set the standard of 70x7 in Matthew 18:21-22. For context, Jesus was asked how many times we should forgive someone for repeated offenses. That person asked seven times? To which Jesus replied 70 times 7.
In my personal journey, I’ve come to believe that Jesus meant we should have a heart towards forgiveness. That we shouldn’t be looking for off-ramps when it comes to forgiveness.
But what level of forgiveness was Jesus referring to? That’s a good question. I’m not a theologian. And I will not attempt to get all scholarly with you as if I were one.
What I will say is that I don’t recall any where in scripture where slates were wiped clean for prisoners or those found guilty of an offense. Scripture talks about sowing and reaping. And I do believe that God is a God of justice and accountability (fast forward to #7 in this video I did about 13 aspects of God’s will).
Plus there are some offenses that rise to the level of crime whereby our judicial systems around the world render judgments. At which point it becomes a matter of law when it comes down to accountability and penance. Which reminds me of the first time I grappled with the notion of forgiveness and it was for the ultimate offense, the murder of one of my cousins. He was needlessly and heinously shot to death. The perpetrator was found guilty of murder. For sentencing, the judge was open to receiving letters from the family and my cousin’s mother asked me and several others to write letters to the judge.
I remember sitting down to write and not completely sure what to say. From what I gathered from my faith, it seemed as if I should strike a more forgiving tone thinking if Jesus could forgive the worst, then I should be able to do the same. I ultimately wrote something to the effect of, I won’t stand in the way of him getting himself right with God, but he has to suffer the consequences of his crimes. His time in prison can be spent rehabilitating his identity so that he could be at peace with himself and God. If he manages to do that, good for him.
In the interview with Mo’Nique, Shannon asked her what would it take for a particular individual to make things right with her? She responded with her requirements which it doesn’t appear that those requirements will ever be met. Which brings us to definition #4. Harboring resentment is not healthy for our overall well-being. I mentioned early on that we tend to think that #4 comes after accomplishing #1 and that accomplishment only comes after our offenders take accountability and show remorse. But what happens if there is no accountability or remorse? We often fail to realize that #4 is still a requirement for us to move forward and not stagnate in grievance.
When we stagnate in grievance that grievance becomes a nuisance to others and our identities become attached to it as I described in a previous essay. So how do we let go of resentment? It certainly is not the easiest thing to do when we have be wronged at deep levels. It’s not easy but it is necessary otherwise it will throw us completely off balance and the unforgiveness becomes rottenness to our core.
I think we all know what it looks like when unforgiveness takes over a person. It’s rough and we immediately want better for that person. Our immediate reaction to that person is “you gotta let that go.”
It’s pretty much like moving through the stages of grief. The final stage is acceptance. Acceptance that we can’t change what has happened. We will accept apologies and any recompense should it happen. But if it doesn’t, we will not allow our souls to get bogged down in offense; we will not lose our identities and we will not put our joy on hold. This quote about forgiveness I heard second-hand was extremely helpful to me. If I find the originator of the quote, i will update this post.
“Forgiveness is letting go of the hope that things should’ve been different.”
I also believe that forgiveness is an iterative process. Unfortunately our memories don’t get erased. Memories of the offense can be triggered at any time. And because what happened to us was wrong, we will never feel right about it. We will certainly wish that things happened differently. Each time those thoughts occur to us and we begin to get riled up, we have to let it go again. Each time gets easier and easier. And the desire to talk about it becomes less and less. Unless we have truly channeled what we’ve been through into a meaningful purpose. And in no way would I suggest channeling that energy into purpose, until you have been healed. Because those wounds should be not reopened and they most certainly will reopen if not healed. Many believe they are healed when in fact they are not.
I will close with one more personal story. A couple of years ago, I unexpectedly lost my job and I thought everything about it was foul. My manager and I had a rocky relationship. Based on my assessment of her character, I can’t say it was beneath her to plot to get rid of me but I didn’t think things would ever escalate to that level. I was flamin’ hot when I was informed that my last day would be one week later. The news was delivered to me on a Friday. I stewed through the weekend. At some point on Sunday, I believe God spoke to me and said, “Johanna, you have until Friday (my last day) to get it all out of your system. After Friday, it’s over. You will not give this woman any power over your emotions and your identity going forward. She has no bearing on your happiness and success.”
I heard those marching orders loudly and clearly. And I followed through on it. Do I ever want to talk to her again? Nope. Do I have any questions for her? Nope. Can I be convinced that she wasn’t nefarious towards me? Nope. Would I be open to her apologizing to me? No. She doesn’t have to talk to me. She can clear it all up with God and go on with her life. I am certainly moving on with mine understanding that the basis for my anger, resentment and frustration was all valid. But let me say that peace, joy, and being unburdened feel so much better!!
Onward to forgiveness and Harmonious Balance my friends!
Johanna
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