Outsourcing My Life for Balance
What money can and cannot buy
Yesterday (Saturday) my scalp was itching. A gentle reminder of oh yeah, I need to wash my hair. This morning as I began rushing out for my Sunday morning 3-hour shift of Learning Los Angeles, the hair care products in the shower triggered my mental to-do list for the day. This evening I must wash my hair. And I will. This is not a particular task that I tend to slack off on. Though it will be successfully checked off my to-do list before the end of the day, I thought about how I wished it wasn’t on my to-do list at all. At least not on the list for me to do. I’m looking forward to the day when every week I am in my hairstylist’s chair getting my hair done.
As I walked out the door this morning, in my mind I ran down all the things in my life that I would outsource as soon as my budget would allow. I reminded myself of all of the people I would hire immediately and keep on retainer should a windfall come my way.
hairstylist
administrative assistant
fitness trainer
housekeeper
personal shopper and stylist
driver
I can foresee hiring others on an as needed basis but these six listed would pretty much be on my payroll long-term. Essentially these six would take care of the routine things that I loath or despise all together. Though I do enjoy fitness. I just need guidance on efficiency. In any case, I never fully imagined that one day I would really seek out these services on a long term basis. But the world of entrepreneurship has awakened me to the fact that I really cannot divide up my energy on these things and do the work of Harmonious Balance optimally.
I used to think that if the only household chores I had to do were cooking and laundry then I’d be set. I’m starting to see how laundry could be outsourced as well.
Cooking, however, is not something I want to let go of. It is something that I thoroughly enjoy. I find it very therapeutic. It’s perfect blend of being creative with just enough cognitive load to be meditative yet tolerant of background noise such as music or some other audio. Plus cooking provides an immediate reward for my labor. A couple of weeks ago I was tickled pink when I got to binge episodes of Chopped, a show I used to watch all the time. Each week when I put together my grocery list, I get a little excited about what I will create for the weekly menu.
I would tell my friends and colleagues that a telltale sign that things are off-balance for me is if I’m reliant on take-out for more than a week. It’s a signal that things have gotten so chaotic that I can’t even carve out time for one of the things I enjoy most.
I even told my eldest niece this when she made her way to Los Angeles. When she first arrived, I told her that the primary thing I needed her help with was cleaning the kitchen, the chore that I despise the most. If she did that, I’d be good. Plus I didn’t want her to worry about household affairs. My primary motivation for even moving to Los Angeles was essentially to be a balancer for her as she navigated the ins and outs of the merciless entertainment industry.
So you can imagine how bummed I was when I had to ask her assistance with cooking because the demand on my energy was near capacity. And because I told her when she first arrived how I felt about cooking, she immediately knew that her aunt must be at her limits. It hasn’t been often that I’ve asked for her help with cooking and I haven’t asked her to do a full meal. She’s been a sous-chef of sorts. I usually make it a point to at least finish the entrees because cooking remains a balancer for me.
Updated definition: A balancer is a virtue, value, object, activity, or behavior that moderates us individually and collectively from extreme tendencies, actions, and perspectives. In the case of a person designated as a balancer, that person embodies a particular virtue or value through that person’s body of work and/or life experiences.
But as Harmonious Balance continues to grow, would I ultimately have to let go of cooking? Would that be one more thing I’d have to outsource for my own personal balance? As much as I really don’t want to imagine doing so, I let my mind wonder about it and I decided that the only way it could work is if the chef I hired spent some time beforehand studying my cooking habits and choices. And the chef would have to let me collaborate in the kitchen periodically so I can learn some new things and keep my skills fresh. That’s the farthest I would let my imagination take me because I shudder to think how far gone things would have to be if I had to let go of cooking.
Yet it seems like for our own sanity, we have to outsource for balance. Even with family and well-meaning friends, the most efficient thing is outsourcing. At a conference last summer, I posed a question to one of the keynote speakers. Though I don’t remember the exact question, I do remember her answer. A rather sobering moment. If you can afford it, then I recommend paying for the support you need.
Something didn’t feel quite right about that because, in my opinion, we shouldn’t have to outsource everything. Certain needs, three that I will elaborate on, shouldn’t be reduced to a transaction. Money won’t be able to pay all of our cares away. Yet it seems as if many of us in this world have had to resort to doing so for a modicum of balance. First up,
Community. If you have found your adult self in unfamiliar surroundings away from the relationships you formed through the “free” structures of family, school (K-12 and college), church, work, etc., then you know how difficult it is to find your tribe. It can become expensive and may not yield the results we are looking for. Volunteer opportunities are free but paying for memberships into social and even service organizations are often the solution for finding community.
I used to wonder why my life’s journey has taken me so far away from my family and closest friends. I followed the guidance of my spirit. Yet it seemed as if community was sacrificed, at least the type of community I was looking for. I haven’t lost hope for finding it. It’s just been rather eye-opening as to how difficult it can be to create from scratch.
Companionship. The plus-one dilemma is very real. I can’t recall what movie I watched but somehow it led me do some cursory research on escort services. I wondered how real they were or if they were hidden in some underground, word of mouth, market. Sure enough they were out front for the world to see with a basic Google search. I browsed through some pages out of curiosity and immediately became sad. The idea of paying a total stranger top dollar not just be a plus one, but take on the role of a plus one—I nearly cried. I think I’d be left more insecure and empty in the end if someone only attended to me and said all of the right things because I paid them premium to do so.
When I lived in Chicago, I subscribed to a meet-up group. The leader of the group was very good at her job. She even dubbed herself as our Social Director. What I didn’t realize though was how transactional my experience would become. We really were essentially plus-ones for each other. For some events it wasn’t that big of a deal. But vacations were often on the docket. Total strangers would meet up and spend days together and then go back home to their worlds without ever talking to each other again. That’s not my idea of vacation. I’d rather stay at home by myself than to be in a group without real connection. Yes we can do things on a transactional basis. Whatever floats your boat. But there is no substitute for connection.
Confidentiality. When I was in graduate school to earn my counseling degree, I specifically recall reflecting on some of my coursework and thinking, this degree shouldn’t exist. No one should have to pay just have someone listen to them. Everybody needs to take these classes. My degree is going to make me an even better friend.
While I believe in therapy, those of us that are fairly high-functioning with no hard-core cognitive and emotional deficits, should be able to rely on circle of support that is not comprised of clinicians. Yes it can be an act of love not to unburden ourselves of some rather heavy trauma at the expense of our loved ones. At the same time, we shouldn’t have to pay someone just to be a listening ear, sounding board or to keep our secrets. If anything the result of effective therapy should be our ability to be vulnerable in safe spaces and to be a safe space for our loved ones.
Alright, alright it’s time to close out this post. I didn’t imagine it to be this long initially. Yet this is the path that the topic of outsourcing took me on. Outsourcing can be great and even a necessity for balance. At the same time, if we think money can supply all things, then it is very easy for the pendulum to swing the other way. We simply cannot outsource genuine human connection. Even if outsourcing sparks connection, if it’s genuine, it will live on in our lives for free.
Onward to genuine connection and Harmonious Balance my friends,
Johanna
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