OUT OF BALANCE THINKING: Believing the best in everyone

Why we CANNOT afford to ignore harsh truths and what we should look for instead

Listen to the 55-second audio clip below (captions included) and I will share my thoughts on the other side.

What this person articulated is a very popular sentiment. However, every time I hear this sentiment, I cringe. It sounds good in theory but in practice it doesn’t quite cut it. Don’t get me wrong though. It has its place. But in no way is it the salve that we need to cure our societal woes.

In the example you just listened to, the man decides to “see” the other man with presumably opposing political beliefs. They both turn out to be drummers. GREAT! That solves everything, right? Kind of like the overly simplistic Kendall Jenner Pepsi commercial from a few years ago.

This ad generated so much backlash that Pepsi had to pull it. One response was that it was insulting to those who had been on the front lines of the struggle for years and decades, with the struggle itself lasting centuries. The most memorable response for me came was from Dr. King’s youngest daughter, Bernice King. “If only Daddy knew the power of Pepsi.”

Back to the first example…let’s imagine for a moment that the man who initiated this energizing conversation on the train later saw on television that his new friend was wanted by the FBI for his participation in the violence at the Capitol on January 6th. I know I’m taking creative license here, but as a thought exercise please indulge me. I imagine the man would feel a level of shock and disappointment because he had such a rejuvenating conversation with his new friend. He felt this connection because of their shared love of drumming and so he knows there must be some good inside this person. He would probably remember the t-shirt, but that particular data point is supposed to override his potential criminality right?

To be fair, perhaps this man is not that naïve. But when we consider what he shared about looking past the what the other person was expressing through his t-shirt, it begs the question, what good was it that he was able to see beyond the surface? It is true that we are all made up of good and bad; light and darkness; strengths and weaknesses; hopes and fears. What is also true is that the better of these pairs is not what we always experience from one another. It is also true that the lesser of those pairs, particularly darkness, is very real. It’s not imaginary. It’s not trite. It’s not victimless.

Our differences cannot and should not be summed up as petty politics that can be solved if we just knew how to talk civilly with one another. As much as we think it is, civility is not the problem. A lack of civility does not help solve the actual problem, it is not the actual problem. One of my favorite quotes is from Reverend Dr. William Barber.

We do not need a kinder, gentler meanness.

It amazes me how this simple truth seems to go over people’s heads. People are tripped out that family dinner tables and holiday gatherings get so heated. People are tripped out that families have been torn apart by politics particularly after the 2016 presidential election. It seems unfathomable that who one chose to vote for would cause such a rift. Is it really that unfathomable? If it is, let me help you out with a reel I posted about a year ago.

Earlier in our thought exercise, I asked what good was it that he was able to see beyond the surface if his new friend engaged in violent crime? Well let’s move from that thought exercise to a real life example. Early on in my engineering career, I supervised a team of skilled tradesmen. Most of them were middle-aged white men. Many of which lived and/or grew up in rural areas. For the most part, I had developed a pretty good rapport with the guys, even the grumpy ones. Some time well into my tenure with them, a work-related incident between one of my grumpy guys and someone on another team revealed that my grumpy guy was a card carrying member of the KKK. A rather stunning but not so stunning revelation.

Considering he was a grumpy guy that many of his peers preferred not to work with because of his grumpiness (even though he was a very skilled craftsman) the fact that I could have a social conversation with him was a small point of pride for me. He shared a lot with me. How much he loved his daughter and how difficult it was for him and his wife to conceive. I could actually see his humanity and perhaps he saw my humanity from our conversations. But upon learning of his “membership,” my sense of pride diminished greatly. What good was it for me to see his humanity, especially knowing that is my people that suffer the most from his organization? Me seeing his humanity doesn’t absolve him of what is clearly problematic.

I’ll close out by saying, I’m not shook by the fact that holidays get ruined and families are torn apart. The fact is we need to grapple with these heavy topics and divisive beliefs. A line does need to be drawn because these are highly consequential, serious, even life and death matters that reveal a person’s character. At the same time, It is an awful feeling to be faced with the dilemma of trying to reconcile the good we know to be true of a person with the not-so-good that is also very true. However hyper-focusing on the good does not wash away the bad. Unfortunately this isn’t arithmetic where just doing more good cancels out or overrides the bad.

Yes seeing the good and believing the best can be part of an overall communication strategy that helps deliver meaningful change. Even then that communication strategy only works with good faith actors. That’s the good we need to assess. Is the person a good faith actor in the effort to live out our values and our creed? Is the person genuinely interested in solving the problem or only interested in dominating? If the person turns out to be acting in bad faith, the fact that we can see the good in them is what becomes meaningless, trite, null and void.

Onward to Harmonious Balance,

Johanna

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