Being unfiltered is not the virtue we think it is
Why this out of balance communication needs to be addressed
A few days ago I watched a show on YouTube with two former NFL players. I will not mention their names as it’s not pertinent to the topic at hand. Plus I believe them to be overall good faith actors and I still watch the show. In any case, a few days ago one of them apologized for making a sexually explicit joke about a specific female rapper. I do believe it was indeed a joke, in poor taste, yet a joke. When I heard him utter the words, I immediately knew he would receive backlash. And as such he apologized. His co-host thought, however, that he should not have apologized because everyone knew he was joking and one of the reasons their show has great appeal is the fact that they are unfiltered.
Being unfiltered seems to have broad appeal. People have been growing frustrated at the notion of not being able to say what’s on their minds without backlash. It’s interesting to me that people stand “ten toes” down on their right to say what’s on their minds, forgetting that others use that same right to rebut what has been said. They feel like their right to free speech is being infringed upon and that’s the only valid argument to be had. Never mind the validity of the backlash. In short people don’t want to be held responsible for what they say.
I won’t digress much further into the need to be held responsible with this particular post. What I’d like to dig deeper into is why being unfiltered appeals to so many even though it really is NOT a virtue. It’s appealing because people don’t want to be lied to. The virtue that is conferred upon being unfiltered is honesty. But the two are not one in the same. You know, people can and do lie often without skipping a beat. Being unfiltered is conflated with being honest because we view being measured as political correctness. And political correctness is associated with being disingenuous and dishonest.
We’d rather people just express what they truly think and how they truly feel instead of saying the right thing with all INSINCERITY. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to be lied to. But I don’t despise being filtered. Thinking before you speak is not a novel concept. Lying is and forever will be the problem. No one gets in trouble for being genuinely thoughtful and considerate.
Quite frankly that’s the whole point of political correctness. It’s a way of training ourselves to be considerate of what we say as not to offend. NOT BEING OFFENSIVE IS CORRECT. But as per usual with politicians, they muck up everything.
Whereas being unfiltered gets people in trouble all the time. Exhibit A, the co-hosts I talked about in the first paragraph. Being unfiltered or disinhibited is a sign of immaturity. We all cringe when our children just say stuff because they don’t know any better. Disinhibition is also a symptom of neurological impairment as a result of a brain injury. Think of stroke victims. When my niece shockingly had a stroke at the very young age of 12, part of her rehabilitation was to work with a neuropsychologist to reestablish those filters that were lost due to the stroke.
So if someone prides themselves on being unfiltered, you should ask them, “So you’re happy your brain is not working properly?”
We’ve come to demonize being measured. But think about it…we always pause and become more measured with people that we value. We value their love, their fidelity, their investment, their support, etc. We become measured because we are trying not to offend. We are trying not to hurt anyone, especially the people we care about. That is if you want to have a healthy relationship. You tell me what happens when you aren’t careful with what you say to your children and spouses? You tell me what happens when you go left with your siblings and your parents? They're probably the ones that set you straight.
And if you have managed to arrive at the place in your relationships where you can be rather unfiltered, it’s because you have developed a level of trust over a significant span of time. You’ve proven your character and intentions with the people you care about. That same level of trust has to be developed with anyone you want to be unfiltered with.
Along the lines of caring about others…if you take a defensive posture in favor of being unfiltered after being admonished, then that’s an indicator that you do not care about the offense you’ve caused. You’ve decided for one reason or another that person or persons are not worth sparing. The only thing worth sparing is your right to say what you want to say.
Having said all of this, I do not take the position that everything needs to be said perfectly or that you are now the worst person in the world because you had an unfiltered moment. While intentions do not outweigh impact, intentions do matter and should not be dismissed as irrelevant, if we want to engage with one another in an honest manner. Notice I said honest manner not unfiltered.
Onward to Harmonious Balance,
Johanna
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