Bringing My Hair into Harmonious Balance

How I'm grappling with losing my crown and glory

My stylist recommended wearing my natural curls to give the appearance of fuller hair to camouflage my hair loss. After 6 months of sticking to a tailored plan, I started gaining confidence in wearing my natural curls. (April, 2022)

**This particular piece was originally written by me and published initially by

BlackStack

in a three-story collection with two other black women,

Art Life by Alex B

and

A Dope Black Girl With Anxiety

sharing our hair journeys. ENJOY!!**

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First and foremost, I’d like to shout out to Dr. Fo Adunni for allowing me to participate in her dissertation research on the subject of black women’s experiences with their hair. Her research interview with me prompted me to reflect and properly stitch the pieces of my hair story together.

There are so many directions I can take in relaying my hair story. I have enough material to write a book about it. Obviously in this moment, I cannot write an entire book. Probably the most succinct and edifying format to take is to utilize my own framework, Harmonious Balance, to breakdown the journey with my hair. My mission in this moment is to expound upon the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual energy surrounding my hair, what has thrown me off balance and what I’m doing to manifest the harmony I’d like to experience with my hair.

Be sure to read the captions of the photos included where I tell parts of my hair story that didn’t fit nice and neatly in the overall text.

Here we go…

PHYSICAL ENERGY: Is my hair healthy? Do I understand how to best care for my hair? While there are objective metrics for what constitutes healthy hair, there is only one question, in my opinion, that gets at the heart of it. Is my hair healthy enough to do what I want to do with it to feel good about it? My short answer to that question is no. I have experienced significant hair loss (androgenic alopecia accelerated by Graves’ disease) to the point that I feel very limited with my preferred styling options. I am also experiencing gray hair growth that I cannot satisfactorily keep up with.

2008 & 2009 were probably my last confident hair years. The summer before my Dec 2010 Graves Disease diagnosis I probably lost the most hair. You can see the difference in my HS reunion photo that summer (bottom right).

“Gray hair, don’t care.” I wish that’s how I felt. I am getting very tired of the frequent touch-ups and the harsh lines of demarcation. I believe my grey hair is connected to the alopecia. I began routinely covering my grey in my late 20s. The rate of grey new growth seemed to accelerate with my Graves’ disease diagnosis.

While I’ve lost density all over, I’ve lost the most from the middle front to crown. I’ve pretty much plateau’d with the treatments I’ve tried. I have a couple more options in mind to try over the next few months.

By objective measures the remaining individual strands of hair on my head are probably more healthy than not. Within the last 5 years or so, I have gained a better understanding of how to care for my hair than I had previously. That does not mean that I was reckless with my hair before. I always understood that less was best when it comes to healthy hair. My routine was pretty basic and low maintenance. My preference is not to do my hair. Not as in tuck it away in “protective” styles, but outsource the care of my hair to a stylist. When I reflect on my hair’s journey, my hair was healthiest when I regularly partnered with a stylist.

Believe it or not, I’ve never worn braids. I was in high school when the film, Poetic Justice, came out with my hometown hero, Janet Jackson (r) and Regina King (l). I thought the braids were very pretty. When one of my classmates came in with braids and she told me how long it took, I said NEVER MIND to braids.

Budgetary constraints currently prevent me from being in a stylist’s chair as often as I’d like. I miss my stylist, Roni, dearly. However I’ve learned enough over the last few years to get by in the meantime. But make no mistake about it, I am eager to be in a stylist’s chair week in and week out!

EMOTIONAL ENERGY: How do I feel about my hair? Is it an asset or liability? What or who has shaped how I feel about my hair? How self-conscious am I about my hair? I am definitely more self-conscious about my hair than I once was. My thin crown and gray hair leave me much more insecure about my attractiveness. It’s a very unsettling contrast because my hair was never a source of concern. I’ve actually grown resentful of how much my hair has consumed me these past few years.

2nd-10th grade photos. My first hair cut was in 7th grade. The women of hip-hop, especially MC Lyte, were my inspiration with the mushroom and asymmetric cuts.

Growing up, I was never really vain about my hair but I was affirmed enough about it that I definitely did not consider it to be a liability. Overall back then my emotional energy was pretty well balanced when it came to my hair. Though I will admit that when I was younger I was afraid to cut it short initially. I would cut it short on the top but keep it long in the back. But as it grew out, it looked like I was desperately trying to hold on to length. I didn’t want to look silly and that gave me the courage to not fear the shears.

My hair was relaxed from ages 14-22. The upper photos were the some of my last relaxed hair moments in 1999-2000. Two years later, I cut my hair, though I don’t remember why. At 19, I wore my hair a bit shorter, but I have no photos of that cut.

I am super eager to get back to not giving a second thought about my hair. But for now, I’m embracing this season of anonymity that I’m currently in and not really caring what other people think about my hair. During this season, I have been strategizing what’s next with my hair.

I loved me some bangs, but hair loss stopped me from wearing them. The China bang would draw attention to my hair loss and make me hella self-conscious.

The low pony with swooped sides was one of my go-to styles. It’s pretty classic. Even my mother wore it. And no we are not part Indian nor part Native American. I used to get asked that. So I finally asked my parents and the answer is no. Over the years, I’ve eliminated the swoops because it would expose the sparseness. Instead I now comb the front up and back. That’s my niece, Maya, as a baby and later at 19 with me rockin’ a low pony both times.

MENTAL ENERGY: What is the truth about my hair? Does my hair distract me? I’ve already shared that I’ve grown resentful about how much my hair has consumed me in recent years. It has been a source of distraction. I most certainly would rather apply that mental energy elsewhere. I know what it’s like to not think about my hair and I like how that feels much better.

From 2017-2020, I wore wigs. It was fun but I also experienced serious imposter syndrome. In 2020, I started to get wig fatigue. The pandemic turned out to be timely because I didn’t want to wear them anymore.

I’ve always like wearing hats. But I’ve leaned into hats even more especially after I stopped wearing wigs. If a hat won’t do, I will throw on a bandana.

The truth is I’m grappling with what my hair once was and the reality of what my hair is now. I’m coming around to acceptance. In all honesty, I’m coming around to a rather unpopular truth. And that unpopular truth is I actually don’t have to like my hair but I do need to get to feeling neutral about it. My hair does not have to be the centerpiece of my aesthetic. It is NOT my only asset. It certainly is not the centerpiece of who I am as a person. I need not play it up or down. I need not overthink it.

Scarves have become another go-to way of hiding my gray and thinning hair. The low bun is the only knot I could master.

SPIRITUAL ENERGY: What is my intention towards my hair? What do I want my hair to express? My intention towards my hair is pretty simple. At this point with all that I have been through with my hair, I want it to be as healthy as possible and styled in a flattering way. I don’t necessarily seek to make a statement with my hair. Though I reserve the right to do so should I choose to.

A signature look for me now is a ribbon-like scarf with flat twists. It’s one of the few styles that work with my glasses, which I wear most of the time.

I’ve been exploring a number of options to gracefully grow out my gray hair and styles that minimize the appearance of thinning. I have some ideas that I’m leaning towards. I have a much more positive outlook than I once had. My prayer has been that when I finally emerge from this season of anonymity, the insecurities I have about my hair will be resolved. If things go as I hope, that prayer may very well be answered and my big reveal will be in the coming months!!

Onward to healthy hair-esteem and Harmonious Balance, my friends!

Johanna

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